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Night Terrors
Had a night terror last night. I remember waking up and being scared out of my mind. I jumped out of bed, might have mumbled or said something, ended up at the end of the hall, turned some lights on. Think I may have entered the master bedroom, eventually “woke up” and returned to my room and went back to sleep.
I wasn’t sure what my feelings were today. I laughed a few times, but don’t think that proves anything, and just assume things were the same.
This evening on the way to Shane’s birthday party I glanced out the window as we drove and realised I was still fragile. I felt very much like crying or breaking down but didn’t know why. I pulled through it and mostly kept to myself at the party.
I had my wine topped up every time I turned my back and was even pressured to finish one glass so I could drink a second at one stage. Any other day I’d have loved that attention, tonight though, I was trying to avoid it.
Tomorrow I have another birthday party, this time a cocktail party. I should be looking forward to it but I have mixed feelings, perhaps because of the alcohol and my mood.
Burnt Out
I’m feeling just about burnt out.
My day was going great I suppose. Lunch with friends at the German Club, a few beers, nothing too much. Good food I guess. I then came home and I’ve found I’m still not feeling too sharp.
I’ve got a massive headache now, though I could just be dehydrated. I’m not sure, but my temper has really been playing up tonight. I lashed out at a few people online, and went into a rage for a while where I was seriously considering slashing my wrists open, just to prove a point.
I think I need some panadol, and then later, I have to pick up Sze Sze from Gold Coast airport. I don’t even want to drive, my head hurts so much!
Persistence
My low mood persists. I thought this morning when I woke I was actually feeling better, but I came to realise I’m just a bit numb to the world today. I’m not out of control like I was last night, but I’m not any better.
How do you describe a feeling when describing feelings doesn’t come easily?
I’ve been lost in my thoughts a few times today, and took a nap through the afternoon because I just felt like it. I was only awoken by a phone call from Colin and Marianne, asking how to use the wine cellar management software I set up for him over Christmas.
I’m trying to avoid alcohol, I want a rum and coke, but I’m settling for a tea. I had leftover kipfler potatoes and sausages for dinner, doused in butter and mayonnaise.
There’s nothing on TV and I’m not game to start iTunes.
I spoke to my psychologist on the phone this morning who explained that drugs don’t control thoughts. So I’m not sure what the solution is now. My thoughts are always going to linger, but if drugs can stop my mood from falling to a point where the thoughts become stronger, then perhaps there’s light at the end of the tunnel after all. If not, maybe I’m just doomed until I take that small step one day.
I think going to bed early might help. I’ve got lunch with friends tomorrow so early to bed and early to rise could be beneficial. I’m thinking of taking the train, that way I can have a couple drinks.
It’s probably worth noting we’ve had extremely heavy rain the past few days. A lot of it has fallen, buckets are full right around the house. So’s the pool. I don’t think the Garden is doing too badly, no flooding, but the plants will have had a lot to drink.
Minus The Alcohol
I just wanted to make note that tonight I took a break from the alcohol and all it did for me was make me irritable, restless and bored. The night seemed to drag on, I didn’t know what I was doing or wanted to do and my teeth feel funny… mainly because I had a coke instead as I was thirsty and constantly looking in the fridge for something to hold and drink.
I understand occasionally my liver wants a break, but when that happens my brain takes up the slack and it wasn’t happy about it tonight.
FML!
Rain & Wind
There’s nothing more relaxing than lying in bed with the windows open, feeling the cool wind flowing into the room and over my body, sending shivers up and down my body. Then listening to the rain fall on the roof, and the distant sound of heavier rain and wind rushing through trees. Every so often it gets heavier before calming down again, and another gentle gust of wind blows through the windows and over my body.
I don’t even know what I’m reminded of. Is it a time in my childhood? Boarding school in Australia? Perhaps coming home from a day of skiing in New Zealand? It’s only good memories though. Something I’d miss, if I was leaving.
The rain is falling a little heavier again, the breeze is refreshing. Next stop is a dreamland as I curl up under the covers and drift off. It’s so peaceful, so relaxing.